dd

New banner
Isley Brothers
This Old Heart Of Mine

Ooh, this old heart of mine been broke a thousand times
Each time you break away I think you're gone to stay
Lonely nights that come, memories that flow
Bringing you back again, hurting me more and more

Maybe it's my mistake to show this love I feel inside
'Cause each day that passes by,
You've got me never knowin' if I'm comin' or goin' but I

I love you-ou-ou, yes I do
This old heart (ooh) darlin' is weak for you
I love you-ou-ou, yes I do

These old arms of mine miss having you around
Make these tears inside start falling down
Always with half a kiss, you remind me of what I miss
Though I try to control myself
Like a fool I start grinnin' 'cause my head starts spinnin' 'cause I

I love you-ou-ou, yes I do
This old heart (ooh) darlin' is weak for you
I love you-ou-ou, yes I do

I try hard to hide my hurt inside
This old heart of mine always keeps me cryin'
The way you're treatin' me leaves me incomplete
You're here for the day, gone for the week

But if you leave me a hundred times
A hundred times I'll take you back
I'm yours whenever you want me
I'm not too proud to shout it, tell the world about it 'cause I

I love you-ou-ou
This old heart (this old heart) is weak for you
I love you-ou-ou
This old heart (this old heart) is weak for you
I love you-ou-ou
This old heart (this old heart) is weak for you

Being a typical Capricorn, I’m always a loner.But I will not going to whine away about my state of loneliness so spare your pity. Being alone is not the end of the world, actually.

After flunked so many papers, while most of my friends have graduated, I found myself in a sea of unfamiliar names and faces and it’s such a dread to do all ice-breaking session and trying hard to be Mr Smile.I seriously been insecure among the people, for my age and stupidity.Surpisingly,I had a fairly large number of people knowing me , at least acknowledging my presence in university.(Joining Student Union's activities in school does make you known) but later I learnt about individuality, and that I should not do things just to please the crowd.I tend to be selective and picky in friend’s department that’s why I’m don’t have many friends but the ones I have are the greatest. I believe in quality not quantity.Am I?

Honestly, human relationship cornered me to the wall.Hey, I did enjoy the company of people I like but it’s the selection phase that tire me out.Finding people who like me just the way I am (retarded, dumb and totally slow)and to put up with crap I did is like convincing George Bush his intention to start Iraq war is wrong. I could use the time and energy spent there to do my cleaning up my room or save the dolphin.

I believe that some commitments could slow me down and keep me from being myself. Also, it seems that somehow I manage to unintentionally hurt people I like. So, I should not complained about being single.I have my own space. I could never be those couple who build their world around their partner only to get their heart broken should something awful happen to the relationship.Bleah!I’m too much in love with myself to let anyone hurt me.

No Mood to study.Coincidently Kien called me so I suggested to wtach movie nearby - Jurong point. We watched Beautiful Boxer ( Thai Movie).I always have a thing for thai movies ( not porn, Please).I love the people, thailand and language ..Beautiful.

Sypnosis of BEAUTIFUL BOXER
Based on the true story of Thailand's famed transvestite kickboxer, Beautiful Boxer is a poignant action drama that punches straight into the heart and mind of a boy who fights like a man can become a woman.

Asanee Suwan, a real-life kickboxing champ as Nong Toom

Believing he's a girl trapped in a boy's body since childhood, Parinya Charoenphol (affectionately known as Nong Toom in Thailand) sets out to master the most masculine and lethal sport of Muay Thai (Thai boxing) to earn a living and to achieve his ultimate goal of total femininity. Touching, funny and packed with breathtaking Thai kickboxing sequences, Beautiful Boxer traces Nong Toom's childhood, teenage life as a traveling monk and grueling days in boxing camps. Shot in 9 provinces across Thailand and in Tokyo, the film also features a series of explosive matches where Nong Toom knocks out most of his opponents in Thailand and Japan.

Real-life Nong Toom (left) and reel-life Nong Toom (right)

Click Beautiful Boxer
for more details

Go and watch the show.It was very beautiful and touching story.It really talked about pursuing your dreams , work on it with hard work ( I am not asking you all to be tranvestite). If you are human, you will know what I am talking about.I will definitely go and buy Thai boxer shorts when I will be going to Thailand.Aspired.

lame

I have finished 5 papers and I did not wish to dwell on it.What's done was done.I tried my best.But If I failed more than half.I definitely take my life and being buried under those thick books.I walked from canteen B to Canteen A bus stop just to take a bus.And waiting for bus is total waste of time during examination period.Worse, I was surrounded by ugly people.My batch was much better than these people.I did not which faculty they come form.Perspired and warm, I still had to push the crowd to aboard the bus.I did not feel good when I was in bad mood.

I felt so brain dead.I clean forgot about other things going on with my life.Messy, Boring and ugly. I need to get organized with everything especially my lifestyle.Today I just spending my time doing nothing, surpisingly nothing. Except listening to Wilsons Philip 's song I just download. Time to watch American Idol. I HATE Josh Steven. I HATEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE JOSH STEVEN. I gonna miss Jennifer Hudson.

We love you - Jennifer

Age is an ugly thing, and it goes on getting worse.My brain start to function less well.My number of cells that dies, exceeds that which is produced by my body.I had difficulty memorising facts and formulae.Kinda of regret for being lazy and dreamer, when I should be more focus on clearing my education fast. Anyway, I supposed to study M302 tommorow but my mind was really in blank state.So i went for a quick swim before heading to King Albert's Park McDonald to study.I did not study with a friend in the library.I give myself a little space for a while .Well, I managed to make him really furious last Sun that he will do anything to embarrass me.Hah! Childish!

He likes to mock at me, even with his friends around.Worse, his friends tend to listen to his stupidity and ask me if the jokes were real.I cannot blame myself for looking and behaving like bastard.But A wolf behind a sheep's clothing is despicable enough.I did not like myself to be a butt of his jokes everyday.It is getting stale and irritating AND he thought it was fun.This won’t be much comfort if I'm covered in bruises to my body or my ego from someone else’s cruel behaviour and I may well feel that I do have the problem. I have every right to protect myself, to walk away, to seek redress, to deal with the problem that the other person’s lame behaviour is giving me.I had been trying hard to gain composure myself until on sun, jokes aimed at his underrated talent tend to be my way of blowing off a little steam.Whoah!It is enough to erupt his demonic ,silent character.How I wish those who think of him as some little angel, will see him a true, red colour.I succeded.

So if he wanted to have revenge by making me embarrased in front of people.Well, Go ahead.I am just being concerned with public appearance more than what I really am, it strikes less deeply that have to do with my private self.I think the embarrassment of one's own actions was more painful than putting shame on other people.Just do take responsibility for your behaviour. Other people may make you feel angry, but only you choose to behave as you do.

And I cannot control someone else’s behaviour and nor I am responsible for it.So what my behaviour may cause feelings of anger in someone else, but remember that, like the rest of us, that someone has choices about making judgements or even making untrue jokes before looking oneself at the mirror.

World peace!

Earlier Photo of me ( sawadee ka )

I'm Gonna Make A Change,
For Once In My Life
It's Gonna Feel Real Good,
Gonna Make A Difference
Gonna Make It Right . . .

Somebody's Broken Heart
And A Washed-Out Dream
(Washed-Out Dream)
They Follow The Pattern Of
The Wind, Ya' See
Cause They Got No Place To Be
That's Why I'm Starting With Me
(Starting With Me!)

I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
(Ooh!)
I'm Asking Him To Change His Ways
(Change His Ways-Ooh!)
And No Message Could've
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make That . . .
(Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make That . . .)
Change!

Esjay was a Great Dancer in a past life. Discover your past lives @ Quiz Me

Which flock do you follow?

this quiz was made by alanna

I m devastated!
Dissapointed with myself!
Despair!
Desperate!
Disappointed again and again!
Dismay of life

I

Down with flu; Down with sore eyes; Down with life; I cannot afford to get sick.Getting ill is waste of time.Argghh! anyway I will discontinue my journal writing for the moment for two weeks unless something interesting happened on that particular day.So sorry for convenience caused.Life in singapore is very dull and stressful.Happy mugging guys.......CIAO

End of the road ( at the moment)

I wanted to make a confession - I took a peek at the guy beside me during the quiz.In layman terms, I copied his answer during the quiz.Seriously I had been studying almost whole week yet I did not know anything and what I studied did not come out during the quiz.Real pissed off.Please forgive for my first sin but I was forced into circumstance.Don't blame me! Just blame anyone but me.I better called Hung Yong to help me and I need help.

I went back home.I make a small changes about my hairstyle.Change for change’s sake.These few days,I don't delight in the way I look myslef into the mirror. It doesn't matter if the change will be significant, the thought of having a flat hair like legoman's can leave me feeling geeky and self conscious. I must feel comfortable in your own skin, then I will more likely to feel happier overall, as I won't spend time worrying what I look like or what other people think of me. This can lead to a greater sense of self esteem and wellbeing which can be reflected in all aspects of life from my emotional health to life. Been studying at Library 1 everyday and night.I just hope it was constructive revision.

Flat Hairstyle

As surely as the words will fall
as gentle as the willows call.
What I say will help no more
It can not open the truthful door.
What I believe you can not help
though you're drowning me in the sea kelp.
Dragging me through emotion storms
And closing me from my faithful dorms.
I am not black, I am not white
Oh no, I am a different type.
I am no worse because I m minority
But yet still your resentness hoovers.
I can not help you understand
But this is what God has planned.
Why can't you still see me here
Has my face grown unclear?
Society has twisted your rules
And wrapped you around their irrational spools.
There is nothing else I'd rather be.
I am so completely happy this way
I don't miss the other days.
It is the completness in my heart
That I can't not bear to part.
Let others think as the will
But my faith will be here still

As usual, I skipped all the tutorials to do my own revisions.I did not even sleep properly at all yesterday.I went back home early to catch up with my sleep but was being interrupted by mum for helping her to send her to SGH to visit my grandmother, since my sis was having fever. Well, It is my time to visit my grandmother when she was last being admitted last week.When you lose someone who meant so much to so many, then you have a great deal of responsibility in how you make your feelings known.I remembered when my grandmother ( My father's side ) was lying on her death bed, waiting for me to come and see her.That time i was enjoying myself with friends in town when my mum called me to come over quickly.Until I kissed her forehead,slowly left her from aside, she mentioned God'd name and leaft us forever.

Hence, there is a time and chance for me to visit my grandmother.Going for a field trip to hospital is my one of my favourite trips for soul-searching.You can see how fragile life is,how short life is.Sadness, happiness, love, loneliness and sorts of feelings filled all the wards and hospital compound.We were welcomed by my aunties and uncles who went there earlier.My mum and I went to see her.I was hardly recognized her.She look so old and painful.She was like being embedded with so many wire and tubes on her necks and nose.I did not know where the hell other tubes being inserted in her other parts of body.We were told that, she was being injected with some kind of strong drug to induce her sleeping.I felt so sad and somehow grateful.

We should start creating good nutritional plan when we are young.Watch our diet;Even if we could not resist good food, EXERCISE.There was no short cut to stay healthy.It was a life investment.My grandmother was quite stubborn as she did not follow her strict diet.The stubbornness, combined with laziness can create problems you may regret for your own actions.I did not want myself to in my grandmother's shoes.Even if I died, I hope i will stay the way I am now. Like Marilyn Monroe quoted, "I don't want to get old. I want to stay like I am". And she did.Marilyn Monroe was found dead from an overdose of sleeping pills on August 5, 1962.

Tribute to Norma Jean AKA Marilyn Monroe

Candle in the wind by Elton John
Goodbye Norma Jean
Though I never knew you at all
You had the grace to hold yourself
While those around you crawled
They crawled out of the woodwork
And they whispered into your brain
They set you on the treadmill
And they made you change your name

And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a candle in the wind
Never knowing who to cling to
When the rain set in
And I would have liked to have known you
But I was just a kid
Your candle burned out long before
Your legend never did


Loneliness was tough
The toughest role you ever played
Hollywood created a superstar
And pain was the price you paid
Even when you died
Oh the press still hounded you
All the papers had to say
Was that Marilyn was found in the nude


Goodbye Norma Jean
From the young man in the 22nd row
Who sees you as something as more than sexual
More than just our Marilyn Monroe

I lost myself somewhere along the path I travel.Not quite knowng where I'mheadng to or what I hope to find.Visions blured.Where did my youthful innocence go?Disapear to somewhere along my broken path.Time is never on my side.I must still move on.Travel onwards to this place.Searching for what I'll only know when I'm there.My dream for someday.1st priority - pass at least all the subjects.Dreams, I can hold on to other day.I hope I never lose faith in my dreams.Knowing I have something to be alive for.Keep me going in my time of need.

Two more weeks to go and I'm going to be catching up all the works i have been slacking.Worse, I seemed to lose the concept of time.Life is dreadful.There is one quiz I must pass this thursday.It's another 72 hours to the big day. And I'm getting really worried and stressed up. I don't feel prepared. I feel as though I have not revised anything.I hate electronic-related computing.When you guys see me in the library.Please forgive me if I totally ignored you;I was fully concentrated or fully distracted.Good luck for me.

EXAM PERIOD! It means I am going to be bo-chap with my grooming.I will start to have messy hair, dark eyes circle, puffy eyes, haggard looking.I am going to be a monster of my own reflection. I hated.Worse writing the blog had been becoming a burden, waste of time.That showed my bad time management.

However, there are times, just when you need proper makeover, the nice clothes to put on, it seems that all strangers have sniggered at you. That's when my insecurity sets in. I begin to wonder whether my appearance matters as much to the person as he/she matters to me. And truly,I do hide my insecurities with smile. I try to appear cheerful and come out with some warped theories that people don't need other to be happy. I'm pretty sure we can survive without them. I guess to a certain extent, these are excuses to hide my own loneliness and maybe even sadness.

So what if I screw everything up? Life still have to carry on. Perhaps things may be tougher. But we still can live by the day. I guess many of use have wondered, whether it's at some point of our life or another, why do we have to study so hard? Why do we have to work so hard? Certainly life is more than that.But if I don't work hard, I think I'm losing my goal in life. I mean, that's what all our studying have been for right? To reach objective?Anyway, continue mugging.

Today , I went to Meritus Mandarin to attend the Mr Singapore 2004 event.Actually, I really did not know what reason I attend such pageant.Terence told me that he managed to get two tickets but it may be not confirmed too.I thought of asking Bee Lan but then since Terence told me about unpredictable situation later.I just drop the idea of inviting her.I met Terence at the entrance of Meritus Mandarin , and was told that he could not managed to get through the organizer's handphone.I was panicked. Luckily, he managed to meet sub-organizer and we went in free.I managed to chat with the most friendly, down-to-earth and real person - Justin Lim ( The winner of Last year's Mr Singapore ).It was such a honour to take photo with him.Of course I met Javier but somehow I could not click with him.He was kinda of aloof person.I managed to say hi to people I knew.

I managed to see some celebrities - Remy ( The bowler), Joscelin Yeo, Thomas Ong and some from media industry.I came to support Ming Hui.I was surpised that I sat among his supporters.The event reminded me of experience I had.I did not wish to bitch about the contestants but I just think Ming Hui did very well and the winner should be Mr Ang Mo Kio. Well, Judge's decision - whether right or wrong is finalised.What we can learn here - You must a crowd of thousand people.Congrats Ming Hui! But only regret was I did not manage to take picture with him.

I hated people saying bad things about the participants.I thought that the contestants showed a lot of daring to sign up and take part in the contest.It showed their courage.Those people are not objective and unfair.But of course , everyone is entitled to opinion.Graciously,They managed to take those comments with a pinch of salt.There was no negativity about pageants. They are not fake or himbos.Where are the spirit of the competition and participating?I was dismayed over those people who bitched the contestants in the forum.We all cannot deny the fact that somehow we were likely to face critiscms from all angles but try to be in their shoes before saying anything.WORLD PEACE

Justin ( Everyone's winner ) and I

It was a good Friday;I was bored.No mood to study.I just slept whole day until I realised that sleeping was becoming a boring habit.My sis was angry with me for asking my mum to go back home early because I wanted to use the car.She wanted to stay longer at grandma's house.My mum also got pissed off with her attitude and mine.I could not be bothered, I needed the car badly for revision.I could not study at home.

I went to fetch Terence and headed to NUS Admin Office.Kinda of funny when two NTU student went to NUS to study.Before that, we bought our favourite Nasi Lemak for dinner. It was very crowded.I guessed they also have exam period.We settled at Engineering Block.Although we can access internet, the connection was damn slow.I ended up burning some music for listening pleasure.Actually,there is an eerie silence, and stillness gives this a quiet scary feeling to me, especially the toilet.I felt a sense of tangible hair extension highly disturbing in every limb; my visible imaginations were dazzling and apparently magnified, I heard distinctly my intense breath in the toilet, and was perfectly aware of darkness lurking inside the cubicle. By degrees, as the almost near-death sensations increased, I lost all connection with external things; trains of vivid visible images rapidly passed through my mind and were connected with world of unknown until I was startled by the chinese student who came in for pee. Enough imagination huh!If anyone interested to make a horror movie, NUS is the good choice.I could feel spirits all around the premise.

NUS Engineering Block

I sent Terence home at 3am but I went back to NTU canteen B to do some revision since I found out that there was no empty slot at the carpark.I bumped into Mingwei.I did some constructive revision on M140 and of course had a quick chat with Bee Lan.It was 5am and that was early. I drove back home but yet still could not find any lot so I decided to drive around the neighbourhood. I unwind the window screen and enjoyed the morning breeze, as it was appraoching morning.Peaceful.Connected with God.Appreacited although tired.Loved again. I encountered the scene of beautiful lights dancing welcoming the sunrise.Goodbye Night, welcome sunrise.

Norah Jones - Sunrise
Sunrise sunrise
Looks like morning in your eyes
But the clocks had nine fifteen for hours

Sunrise sunrise
Couldn’t tempt us if it tried
Cause the afternoon’s already come and gone
And I said
hooohooo hooohooo hooohooo
To you

Surprise surprise
Couldn’t find it in your eyes
But I’m sure it’s written all over my face

Surprise surprise
Never something I could hide
When I see we've made it through another day
Then I say
hooohoo hooohooo hooohooo
To you

Now the night
throw its cover down
mmm on me again
Ooo and if I’m right
It’s the only way to bring me back
Hooohooo hooohooo hooohooo
To you
Hooohooo hooohooo hooohooo
To you

Sun

I woke u late so I missed my M405 tutorial, but still I had to go to school to pass the calculator to Terence.I was being introduced to his friend, Andy.Then I proceeded to canteen B to have a lunch. I bumped into Rosmaria, my former junior college mate.We used to be part of the Computer Club committee.Seems that she never aged since we last met 9 years ago.Been a long time.I only changed.For worse or better.I am not opinionated.

Today I had a bizzare experience.I went to Clementi swimming pool for tan.I went to the smaller pool as it was not tat crowded and I did not wish to show my body openly.I laid my towel by the side of the pool and got ready for a nice tan.I was being appraoched by a little boy, maybe an age of 5-6years old.Being approached by ladies and men alike is such a norm.But by young boy? Maybe it was just a friendly gesture.But that did not make me feel good about myself.He started to wink at me ; at some moment, he gave flying kisses at me.It was getting weird but amusing.I tend to ignore him and enjoy my tanning session. Then, my connection with nature was being disturbed by constant splashing of water by that kid.I was not angry,just smile.But what irritated me that he started to follow whatever action i did, like the position I tan.I was amused.I had a little fan.Then I started to have a dip.He started to touch my feet and my hands.That situation was getting weird.He even said Hi in cheeky way.Flirting with me? A boy?At young age? Bizarre.I just left after a quick swim.

Then I went home to have dinner before heading to gym at SRC.I went for a 4km run around the track with Terence before proceeded back to gym again.Then I studied at Library 1 after that.

Have you ever find yourself wondering about the mysteries of the human body.Today, strangely I learnt much about how my body works.And It worked strangely.I woke up early to attend the lecture but skipped the lab;I might ask Ping Siang to help me regarding the project.I did not feel like approaching anyone.I had Mee rebus for brunch.I really did not why I have constant carving for Mee Rebus.Once I could have four bowls of Mee Rebus at different place a day.Then I went to NIE library, end up feeling so sleepy,Just taking a nap.

Around 12pm, I went to North Spine to meet Terence to borrow his calculator for my quiz.While waiting, I went to collect Exam Goodies bag from MPE club.It was my first time collecting such goodies.Met several people.Then I went to Library 2 to study for 45mins.Yet I just could not concentrate on revising anymore.

Finally, I took a test , anticipating bad result, and left after 1/2 hours.When I went out of the building N2, I felt energetic and alive.Gone was my sleepiness and fatigue.Strange.More strange thing happened.Suddenly the strangers and people I know smiled and greeted me out of sudden.I felt like a celebrity.bleah!I did not know they noticed and acknowledged my presence.Is it because I love myself nowadays that they love me too.Not thrilled though. Went home, had lunch and went straight to the bed....zzZZZzzzzzzzzzz

Around 8, phone started ringing , looking for my mum regarding my grandmother.I started to get panicked.What happned to granny?I called my mum that so many people look for her.She ensure me not to worry and even ask me to buy cat litter.Damn!I went to Jurong point to buy cheap cat litter and buy groceries for my meal at NTUC supermarket


groceries list

1. 3 packet of chicken breast
2. A packet of cherry tomatoes
3. I carton of HL milk
4. A tub of Yogurt
5. A packet of Kiwi fruit
6. A loaf of Wholemeal bread
7. A can of tuna


Tasks I skipped today

1. Do revision
2. Remember God
3. Gym and Run
4. Smile

Taken last year at Jurong Park for submission to one of KL Magazine editor

Perhaps as I have to travel in all that traffic, stared at that unexpected bill or worried that I just can’t cope any longer at SCHOOL.For life to be enjoyable I need challenges that I feel I can cope with. Sadly I was all, at times, faced with challenges that I feel I cannot cope with and it is then that I may experience stress.I have been drinking so many cups of coffee during these period.I could even smell the coffee when i perspired.Bad.I hoped there was no stain in any parts of clothes.euww!  I think i just finally got really frustrated with myself for not performing better academically and i began to feel really stupid and inadequate intellectually or something. 

I went to school after skipping my lectures, to dos ome revision in NIE library.I felt sleepy, cold and hungry.Too much distraction and too much shit things to memorise.I just walked to canteen A to have my early dinner.I just cannot control my hunger.Diet is bad.Then I proceed to SRC gym.Meet up with Ming Hui but then we trained different part of body.

I had my own cooked food - fried spaghetti with chicken breast.I ate halfway and threw the rest.So tastless and cold.I would not torture myself eating such lousy food.Then I proceeded to Library 1 to study.Catch up with Zhong Ren,Suggest to study with him and jimmy.I was totally honoured, Study with smart people but I made a study appointment with Terence.Worse, it is day of distraction.I could study well because it was too cold for to study proper.Sigh! We end up going back home but then Hunger striked.We went to Boon lay market to have Nasi lemak as a supper.There goes my effort of geting 6-abs.

I have to thank those who read my blog for being positive about my journal and me, of course.

I did not follow my schedule.I continue my sleep and woke up at 11am.When I walked to the bus-stop,leaves of red and orange and brown and some look like pure gold fell from the sky,swayed in winds but never falters.This is the time to learn about God's love and beauty.Hope.Dream.It brings such joy and peace of mind to watch leaves of nature fall.As I walked nearer to my bus-stop,the birds are singing my songs.In melodious tune, the full symphony of love. Of course, they are so capable of imitating purity, make me all smiles.

Bee lan told me that my blog was getting more blues, bluer than the blog's appearance.It meant that I am getting more pessimistic and sad.Maybe exam is coming in two weeks time.There is no happiness during exam period.Just this semester, I had to put more effort to clear all my subject, under pressure of my dean.I better buck up, so I went to study at NIE library.During the break, I went down to canteen to buy two pieces of curry puff at $0.80.After eating half of it, I threw them away.They were so horrible.Total waste of money!I did not even have any impression, good one on NIE canteen.There would be no surpise if you see the NIe trainee having lunch at canteen A.

I went to gym, doing my own training alone.Then I went for 4 km run with Terence.Today I had fewer pause than last one but I ran a bit slower and also accompanied by my N-gage for listening music.Terence was not a good pacer and motivator, maybe because he did not want to waste energy just to do short pause to motivate me.I was ok with it.After that, We went to canteen 2, to have some bite.I just ate 2 cups of yogurt, to follow my strict diet.Suddenly during study session at School l,ibrary, I felt weak and tired, worse I had stomach upset.Guess my body cannot accept drastic change.Vanity, high price to pay.Why must I impress the society and let myself suffer? I ain't beauty queen.

Being crowned

Opportunity is alway present,it is actually closes by,yet out of reach.It lies outside of my comfort zone.So,it everytime we feel a twinge of disconfort or fear,it alerts us of opportunites to grow.What are snobs,know-it-alls,wise-guys,jerks,loser and dopes?They are words used by other to describe me when I don't behave as they want me to.I may be guilty of doing same thhing too.

My friend's conversation with me regarding my pessimism of life, help me to examine my way of thinking.If I am not happy with where I am, I need to ask myself what I am doing wrong.Then I ahve to come up wiith answers.I mean, the world does not need a changing but me.But Talent alone won't make me a success,neither beingin the right place at right,Unless I am ready.Am I ready to seize every opportunity,no matter how small, or how difficult?Am I willing to admit that winners are people who do things loser are uncomfortable doing?Am I ready to discover that i can do what i am afraid of such as rejection and embarrasment?Am I ready to realize my dreams and also fears?I guess I am ready because I begin to love myself.My first fear to overcome - To jog around the school at 6pm.

Esjay's version of Que Sera Sera
When I was just a little boy,
I asked my friends, What will I be?
Will I be handsome? Will I be rich?
Here's what they said to me:

Hey Esjay Esjay,
What ever will be, will be;
The future's not ours to see
Que Sera Sera,
What will be, will be

When I grew up and join college,
I asked my tutor, what lies ahead?
Will I be keep failing day after day?
Here's what my tutor said:

Hey Esjay Esjay,
What ever will be, will be;
The future's not ours to see
Que Sera Sera,
What will be, will be

Now I have life of my own
I ask my self what will I be
Will I be handsome? Will I be rich?
Voices tell me tenderly

Hey Esjay Esjay,
What ever will be, will be;
The future's not ours to see
Que Sera Sera,
What will be, will be

from Esjay with love

Being a prisoner of my own mind,vainly struggling against the despair,anguish and hopelessness that assails me,Imagine being young, attractive,feeling good while I secretly carry heavy burden;despite the evidence of contrary,I felt so worthless.Imagine.....why is there so much pain,suffering and sorrow?

My heart ached because of cruel things said or done to me by friends,the purpose of that pain is to make me of suffering their careless words and deeds cause me to experience.i could not act with compassion to help remove my anguish.My friend told me that while doing haircut for him,his sister accidently cut her finger.I was bluntly said that there was not much skill to do a haircut.He blasted me by saying that with no skill involved will make his hairstyle turn out to be mine - horrible and uneven.Suddenly he said that he saw a big hole on my hair, like i was either accidently cut too deep or I went bald...soon.

I really got pissed.True enough,nothing much skill is needed when doing haircut for guys ( of course it will be different for ladies as there are varieties of hairstyle).I only do haircut for thsoe who want neat and short hairstyle, using proper tools like electric shaver and a scissor.I even did my own haircut myself and I think I did quite well in shaping my hairstyle.And what really pissed me off that he dare to say he saw a obvious hole on my head under dark place whereas usually he did not notice it on daylight or few weeks.Such understatment just to hurt my pride.Ridiculous! Even if I went bald, I rushed to Yun Nam haircare centre to help me solve the problem.If he did that to feel good, he succeeded. I was crushed by feeling pain which i did not submitted to it.

I went to hall 9 study room with Terence ( his suggestion) - I hate studying in hall study room because I am not the resident of hall.I Just felt awkward, that's all. While I was studying, Terence told me that there is a guy who really look like me from a distance was at study room now.I was curious who the hell he is.Surpised, It was Dawn's boyfriend.How possible can I be look like him?(Maybe a bit) He looks better looking and hunkier than me.He reminds Terence of younger version of me.Anyway, I stressed that he is better looking than me.

Just Me

I know what i wish to be and do.yet,I am occasionally tugged away from my path by temptation.It comes to me in many forms.I was enticed to the pleasure of sloth and greed today.Temptation is the fork in the road.Overcoming temptation is possible but tough.When we make it a habit, we are liberating ouself from enslavement by negative behaviour.The world opens up.I want to soar like an eagle and accomplish my dreams.My friend , in partnership with his friends run two restaurant,ThaiPan.

I studied whole day and night in the library.Being unsure whether I understand know what I am doing during revision.I hate these kind of setbacks when I really want to give up halfway but I can not afford.Maybe I am not alone.If I could read the hearts and mind of other, I guess I will be shocked to learns about their fears.We all experience pleasure and pain, joy and sorrow, so get with the program. Suffering is the admission ticket to the game of life.Nevertheless, I was happy today ( for no apparent reason) or maybe just began to be positive.

SYMBOL

Hi

I was lazy to attend tutorials, I knew it was a bad habit but I tried.But I attend the meeting with my co-colleague regarding the problem my leader(s) face right.There was a member who disagreed with my leader's expectation and not doing it.Everyone did his/her part.I was not complained when I did a switch or doing my part which did not interest me.I just did mine.Why being stubborn and sabotage other people? Waste my time actually just now.

I quickly met nick and terence at canteen B ( my favourite hang-out) and had my lunch too.We chatted and chatted , then nick and I continued chatting at canteen A after terence headed to lecture.They decided to go gym with me at SRC. Ming Hui helped me during the training as nick was going to explore around and terence headed to swim.Seeing Ming hui's nice bod amke me more motivated.I hoped I did not disturb his normal routine.

Anyway i promised Nick to go for a jog with me.I was quite half-hearted actually because he is tri- and bi-athlon runner.We ran around NIE-hall15-hall1-hall6 route ( about 4km).I sometimes thought why I must punish myself to become fit. I think that becoming an athlete is hard work.I was trying hard to keep pace with Nick.I couldn't.I had a few pauses.I was listening to ymy body.I heard what my muscles and heart and lungs are telling me to STOP!It was tough.But It was Nick's motivation and willing to wait for me make me more determined to continue running. I worked hard today, thanks to him.Totally honouredto have Nick to motivate me.I should run more because I really had bad stamina and weak heart.But I felt accomplished and satisfied.I began to love myself.

D'Expressions

The Expressions Of Life

by Dee

There are a million facial expressions
each with it's own meaning:

The teary-eyed of ashamed confessions
which can cut the deepest

The sadistic grin can give you the shivers
it can expose what's really within.

The frown of a beautiful face,
it can bring tears to my eyes.

But there is one I cannot place -
Love, there is no expression,
just a feeling of being complete.

It's the only true cure for depression
but the best expression is a passionate kiss
It can take away all your pain
and leave you in heavenly bliss